Tuesday, 1 August 2006

To Make Maternity leave fair, we need to invade France.

Imagine for a moment you are a businessman and you have 5 people working for you. They are all equally responsible, hard working and competent. But the male workers get all the really important jobs and the key client relationships. Clear sexism, right? Or good business risk management?

Maternity leave is 26 weeks and is compulsory for all employees- regardless of how long they have been working – in theory a woman could tip up 3 months pregnant, not showing and work for 6 months, before fucking off for 6 months on the company payroll. Why would you risk 20% of your turnover to something as inevitable as childbirth – especially when it can be avoided?

Now I’m infavour of maternity leave – mums should bond with their children. And I’m in favour of equal rights for the ladies – they shouldn’t be penalised professionally for fertility. So by this rationale, you need to have men be just as risky to employ as women, giving no excuses to employers to discriminate. This is the rationale behind paternity leave, and men likewise need to bond with sprogs. The problem is men dislike screaming brats, and can’t wait to get back in the office to get away from the squawking thing which appears to have eaten the part of the brain responsible for his wife’s ability to converse with grown-ups. Men don’t take up paternity leave. We’re back to square one.

TA mobilised service, at 6 months per tour, is about the same as maternity leave. Unfortunately Iraq and the ‘Stan just don’t provide the opportunities for the million or so men of Child-Bearing age in the British population.

We need a proper war. France anyone? Let's take back Normandy and Aquitaine. And all in the name of Gender equality.



8 comments:

Momentary Academic said...

"The problem is men dislike screaming brats, and can’t wait to get back in the office to get away from the squawking thing which appears to have eaten the part of the brain responsible for his wife’s ability to converse with grown-ups."

Dear Lord. Best of luck to the mother of your future children.

Chris said...

Brilliant, I will be forwarding your idea to the Nobel Comittee.

The 'Twenty-Something' said...

Don't bother with that - just give him the prize.

A genius post, Jack! Glad the 'shopping' is rubbing off...


Miss H

Anonymous said...

I think AVBD has missed a very critical point; maternity leave is also a de facto leave from monogamy for men, I think this tit for tat arrangement more than makes up for the face value inequalities of time off. My wife chose to follow her dream of having kids, knock on effect sleep deprivation and lack in sex drive and generally poor chat, (I married her for her intellect whit and sex drive). She I later found out she married me for money and stability. So with this arrangement of “monogamy leave” we both get what we want. When she’s off games I receive my necessary injection of whit and sex from other sources and get to indulge myself in some of my “dreams”, admittedly they are a little less main stream than my wife’s however one should not criticise one for having dreams. I have five children now, and all five have enriched my life with a sum total of two and a half years worth of affairs with various secretaries and clients. Leave France in peace and as they say in Paris vive le status quo!
The Dude

chris said...

But you need something that is going to last as long as 26 weeks maternity leave, no way is conquering France going to last that long.

Ophelia said...

I always abhored and never wanted kids until I got neices and nephews and was extremely surprised by how I changed my mind (probably because I live in a different country from them and I get pictures in the post). I felt relieved that I was becoming more 'normal' and that I might one day 'fit in' to my home country. However, after having spent half an hour with them yesterday and a couple of weekends with my sisters, I'm back to square one - kids are cute but annoying and I have absolutely nothing to say to my sisters. I am the only member of my family left with whom my dad can have a decent conversation. What are you supposed to do?

Trixy said...

Kittens are cute, kids are not.
The Dude: (I married her for her intellect whit and sex drive)

And presumably she not you for your spelling? Unless you were talking about a small amount?

Anonymous said...

Ophelia - what are you supposed to do?

Have you tried growing up?

Apparently not.

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