The Americans were in town at the weekend with New England Patriots thrashing the arse off Tampa Bay. It sounds like a pretty ordinary game of American Football played under the grey skies of London. And with this game every year for the last 3 years you have – a bunch of American Journalists whining about the lack of coverage the game got (tick), the UK papers giving it far more coverage than it really deserves (tick) the players themselves usually have a great time and say nice things about Buckingham Palace (tick) and the fans always have a great time despite the fact 75% support Green Bay or the Raiders, or the Redskins – in fact any other team except the ones playing (tick).

As a fan of America I think its great the game gets a showcase over here. It’s a bit of a laugh and a slice of Americana for us Brits, and it gives the NFL fans with tickets a nice junket and a chance to pick up some duty free booze. People have argued that it takes 7 hours to get to the game so it is unrealistic to expect the fans to travel that far. However this is a bunch of crap as fans will drive from another state to see their team play, Kansas City playing Denver is 9 ½ Hours away and they are the closest two Midwest teams to each other, yet the fans will drive it. London is a mere 5 ½ hours for most of the East Coast and you get to drink beer, watch movies with the dirty bits taken out and stick your feet up with British Airways. This is something you can’t do driving a Cadillac Escalade to Mile High Stadium. Some argue that American Football will never grow in this stony foreign soil, and on this point they may be correct.

I love American football and have seen 2 NFL games and a couple of College games (which are nearly always better), so I’m not somebody who sneers at the game. I love the razzmatazz, the speed and skill of the game, and I like perving at the Cheerleaders too. But there is competition in the English speaking world, and its not girly Soccer. NFL isn’t competing against the world’s most watched and coiffured sport but against Rugby, and in this case the NFL push for global domination has missed the boat. Simply put Rugby is quicker, unencumbered with 3 hours of TV breaks, equally tough and most importantly cheaper to play. Rugby doesn’t require a school to spend $43110.58 in kit to outfit its team (not including ground upkeep, goalposts and all the kit parents buy their sons in terms of boots, gum shields and that excruciatingly embarrassing moment in every male child’s life – the mother bought cup/box). Rugby requires a ball, boots, shorts, Jumper and posts – that’s it. Total cost to the school - 19 Jerseys made of tough cloth with the school crest embroidered onto it, a Gilbert ball and a bike pump.

Because if you don’t play a sport at school, you aren’t really going to have the knowledge of the game to play it professionally. Ergo the only people who will be good enough to play American football are Americans, QED it will only ever be played by Americans. And sport dies without meaningful competition, which is why Yak Polo isn’t filling the sports stadiums of Europe, or why Bulls aren’t being stabbed with sharp sticks or thrown off bell towers outside the natural homes of animal cruelty – Spain and Mexico. Rugby has the 3rd Largest spectator event in the world, and it is about to join the Largest. Which brings me onto the second point, Rugby just became an Olympic sport. Big bloody deal you may say, Synchronised Swimming is an Olympic sport, but the Canals and Lakes of England aren’t full of ladies with makeup like a dockside tart, grinning like they all just won the lottery. But with the Olympics comes government money, countries that already play Rugby in international competition will have increased funding and preference for new facilities when planning stadiums – American Football will not.

I spoke to a friend who represented Italy in Rugby and he’s delighted. Sponsors of Rugby in Italy are pouring in because Italian business leaders have finally worked out Soccer is a game for Chavs - and they don’t buy £100k Luxury cars and won’t be seen on TV wearing your products whilst throttling a Policeman. And Government funding is directly tied to Olympic sports, and As a result Italian Rugby is the only sport to get an increase in Government Funding due to the Olympics and its good image. There’s no way the NFL will fund their sport in other countries bar the odd exhibition match, and the Democrats have already found a million ways of wasting American taxpayers money without needing to spend it on encouraging US sports overseas.

And countries that didn’t play Rugby will wake up and go, what’s this sport where I can win glory for my Politburo/Glorious Leader/President for Life yet is obscure enough in my country that I won’t get executed if I fail to bring home the bacon? American Football will never be played in these countries because the only Armour their countries will fund will be mounted with a 125mm Smoothbore and 7.62 mm coaxial Heavy Machine Guns, not adverts for Budweiser.

So we should welcome American Football to our shores once a year, revel in its pageantry and enjoy the show. We should then thank these American chappies very nicely for coming, before packing them back off home until next year. And then concentrate on Rugby where we get to kick seven bells of s*** out of foreigners. Because Americans will never EVER have the joy of watching your countrymen do this to a foreigner – unless you support the US Eagles of course.