Thursday, 12 August 2010

Visit Britain pleads PM Cameron

David Cameron wants us to be in the top 5 tourist destinations in the world. He hopes to expedite visas for foreigners – specifically China and India to do this. In one respect he’s right, we have a lot of stuff that foreigners* should want to see, The Bovington Tank Museum, HMS Belfast, IWM Duxford, the Imperial War Museum. There are also a couple of art galleries, some castles and the odd play that’s worth popping into.

There were obviously a few cock ups with the speech, he is new after all. He cited the Rugby League World Cup as an important event in Britain. Obviously he’s joking as it will only bring in another 260 guests into the country – the 13 players for each non British team, 3 reserves, one of the Australians is threatening to bring his wife because she wants to hit Bond Street, and I believe the French are bringing a chicken as a mascot provided it can get past the Quarantine laws. I expect Pierre the Cockerel won’t be spending too much on Theatre tickets.

He also neglected to mention that most British hotels are overpriced shitholes, that Fawlty Towers is shown as an instructional customer service video in Hotel Management lectures, and the average room in a 3 star in England looks like something Pat Reid tunnelled out of. Scotland is even worse. There’s a reason why the British conquered a quarter of the globe. We were looking for somewhere that didn’t consider scampi in a basket as Haute Cuisine and it didn’t piss it down all day. If he wants anybody except the Dutch (who turn up in caravans and bring their own food) to come here, British hotels need to raise their game about 800%.

On the other hand PM Cameron did say we should get back to tradition, rather than promoting that ghastly Cool Britannia Blair loved so much, so he should be congratulated for this if nothing else. I’m doing my bit by inviting lots of Jonny Foreigners to my wedding. In the interests of a better Britain, I'm getting my Italians to move by cab, rather than blocking the top of the Tube escalator with their maps and Invicta rucksacks.

* Except Germans and Austrians



9 comments:

Jackart said...

I believe the cockerel is called "chanteclaire"...

Travelgall said...

Too many syllables for Rugby League. That will be the Union chicken.

The Fatch said...

In rugby union there is a position for people of every size. In rugby league it appears there are 13 positions for 1 size.

The Fatch said...

Do Northerners only come in one size?

Big Mouth said...

Cambridge is crammed with bus loads of tourists at the moment!

I thought Fawlty Towers was a comedy until I moved to the UK and realised it was a documentary :-)

JimmyGiro said...

According to TopGear, Colditz Castle is now a posh Hotel... or was that the subtle joke I missed?

Travelgall said...

Nah, you didn't miss the joke, but it was something Pat Reid tunneled out of - over 60 years ago. Coincidently the same amount of time required to decontaminate the bed linen in the average British 3 star.

JimmyGiro said...

Is it true, that the two star hotels were refused admission to compete against Tracy Emin, in the Turner Prize, on the grounds of health and safety?

Anonymous said...

The Durham Light Infantry Museum seems to draw the Japanese, for reasons incomprehensible.

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