Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Ed Miliband Speech - The translation

“We are the new generation of Labour” – We’re washing our hands of the clusterfuck we left.

“New Politics” – Well actually really really old ones that haven’t been seen since 1989. We’re banking on the fact you’ve forgotten about the Wall.

“I lead a new generation” – Lead is a strong word that my Union backers told me to use. They picked the idea up off a can of cola.

“They arrived here with nothing and this country gave them everything” – They didn’t like two different types of dictator cheerleaders in mainland Europe.

“Why David and I devoted our lives to Politics” – I’ve never had a real job, not even serving G&T’s like John Prescott.

“Cuts to vital public services” – If you thought we taxed you before to pay for our Client State you ain’t seen nothing yet.

“Serious about cutting the deficit” – We’d have carried on spending until the IMF was called in and we could blame somebody else.

“…the fiscal credibility we earned before 1997 was hard won and we must win it back by the time of the next general election” – We need the Tories to sort the economy out again.

“When you reduce your economic policy to deficit reduction alone you leave Britain without a plan for growth”. We’re ignoring the scale of the problem in the hope it will go away.

“A Responsible opposition leader” – If I sound more grown up than Gordon “Started in America” Brown maybe you’ll forget our 13 years of incompetence.

“Higher Banking levy” – We don’t think blaming Jews or Freemasons will work.

“You were the optimist once but now all you offer is a miserable pessimistic view of what Britain can achieve”. Labour is the only party who offers deficit denial la la land economics to the British people. If you want the state to start vomiting money at you again you need to remember that.

“The party of small business and enterprise again” Well when I say again, I of course mean for the first time, you people are too stupid to remember all the way back to May.

“Living wage” – The amount of money we printed makes the minimum wage meaningless.

“What have we become that a banker earns in a day what a care worker earns in a year?” Labour are back to the politics of envy and Tony Blair never existed.

“We must be on the side of those trying to save post offices not closing them” – Thank fuck we got the boot before having to privatise Postie

Britain “Undermined the United Nations” – I’m not going to be like Gordon Brown writing his memoirs on £68K, I’m getting my CV in early for a new job.

“Israeli Settlements” – Hoping the hard core Hamas loving Left in my party don’t notice I’m Jewish. The Doctors Plot was a close one.

“Wisdom is not the preserve of one party” We’re hoping the Lib Dems can come up with some ideas.

““Red Ed” Come off it. Lets start to have a grown up debate” – I don’t like my nickname, my Union bosses reckon it will scupper my chances.

“We are the optimists and together we will change Britain” – We’re hoping the people soon forget last time


Darsalon said...

Don't forget the "I spoke to someone in...." line in the speech as well where said politician has been speaking to ordinary people and tries to show how in touch they are. We've got to the state of clone politics now where they've all come from the same sort of background and copy each other all the time.

The Fatch said...

New Diet Labour now with 50% less Miliband.

Also I am curious as to why David take his mum everywhere?

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