Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Travelgall’s Manifesto

One of my dear readers called Anonymous has decided I’m a snob and a rotter. That I’m “not a good person”. I have to admit the Epater le bourgeoisie part of me wants to prove them right. But I can’t be bothered running round trying to find little fluffy kittens to drop kick, lollypops to steal or fat people to laugh at – obviously you don’t have to run around to find the fat people. However unlike my blog companion Jackart I have a vague CofE belief in a bloke on a cloud who lobs lightening bolts so I tend to stay on the straight and narrow.

As for the mean spirited bit. That’s the whole point of blogging. “Can’t we all just get along” is fine for a women’s institute coffee morning, but it makes fairly dull reading. Anybody who has ever read an in flight magazine or the Guardian will attest to this. As a writer I follow the P J O’Rourke dictum of writing as if I’d had a few drinks, the bloke at the end of the bar - varnish off - school of writing. I alliterate on many occasions to prove a point, so I’m not that full on in my real life, but I have to try and entertain. Because earnestness is just another word for dull.

Blogging also fills a void left over by the mainstream media. Quite frankly there are a lot of stupid people with bad and dangerous ideas in the world. These people need to be mocked – mercilessly, and Al-Beeb isn’t going to do it. If enough people mocked Communism, Fascism, Mercantilism, and the ELV’s then they might not have seen the light of day.

But as to the Snob factor – Guilty as charged. I refuse to drink “Sparkling Wine” on Religious grounds. I Believe that people who watch reality TV shows and soap operas shouldn’t be allowed to vote (You get a choice, strictly dancing on ice x factor or The Government), that Polo is a proper sport, that Association football isn’t. That Gold is a vile material only owned by gauche Arabs and Russians. That people who gold plate their bathroom should be executed. That people who shop at Gucci should incur a 101% wealth tax. That a pin stripe suit should be worn by anybody over 25, that Spandex shouldn’t be worn by anybody under 25. That anybody who appears in “I’m a celebrity should be refused re-entry to the nation, that anybody who isn’t an American citizen who has ridden in a “Limousine” should be expelled from our nation. That we should bring back landmines so we can place them round Bluewater, Premiership Football grounds and Southend-On-Sea. That Shakespeare is proper entertainment, that Mama Mia isn’t. That the inventors of the Appletini, Lidl, Argos, any Sofa that isn’t a wing back Chesterfield and Heat Magazine should have their bones exhumed and be flushed down the nearest lavatory.


Anonymous said...


I just wanted to say I love your writing! You crack me up. I do not find your humor offensive or mean-spirited. Sometimes we need to be able to rib people and laugh at stuff, including ourselves. I have this blog saved under my favs and constantly check in on it throughout the day. I have often read aloud your jokes to others who happen to be around.

You give the gift of laughter.


Bill Quango MP said...

Hmm. you're not going to like my 'Whisky in a can' idea much then?

Anonymous said...

All sounds quite reasonable. Do carry on.

Seán said...

Nice post/response!

I am a snob, too. Anyway, a snob is always better than a reverse snob.

startledcod said...

What the phuq is an Appletini? How come you know wjhat an Appletini is?

Anonymous said...

I say, Bit strong don't you think?

Too fookin' right mate.

To hell with it.

Hang on in there and get your own back

Peter Whale said...

Is that a "cast iron" manifesto?

Rosemary said...

I love your blog,and this post is so excellent I can hardly believe that there is someone out there who thinks like I do.People who watch soaps and reality TV should all be put on a desert island together !!!

Surreptitious Evil said...

"that Spandex shouldn’t be worn by anybody under 25. "

Err, no. I think you've got this one the wrong way round. Young people - some of them have a vague chance of looking attractive in tight clothing. Old people - very, very little chance ...

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