Monday, 24 January 2011


There are many types of bravery in the world. Charging Taliban Machine Gun posts when your mates have all been shot, surrendering your seat on a lifeboat to a woman and child despite the fact that she’s clearly sailing stowage and is thus socially inferior, Pistols at Dawn because some rotter slapped the arse of your affianced back in 1780 or the courage to tell the Gestapo to blow it out of his arse when he asks where all those Jewish people are hiding. To this courage, we can add HM Plod to the list - the courage of an undercover officer being ordered to get laid.

Now when M says “Bond, I want you to get information on this boat that seems to be eating our submarines by nailing the ass off a Russian chick”. Bond has the onerous task of shagging Barbara Bach. Ditto Eva Green, Daniela Bianchi, Luciana Paluzzi, Talisa Soto et all, non of them look like a Bulldog licking piss of a Thistle. But when the Chief Super says go out and shag a lumpen environmentalist thing, you really do have to be thinking of England, or more importantly Miss England 2010 in order to achieve something.

Can you imagine the fucking whining you’d have to put up with? Pratt and Whitney’s on take off in Toncontin Tegucigalpa will make less noise. “Oh the world is so unfair”, “I want a good hard thrust like those glories of socialist planning rockets gave”, “I’ll only sleep with you tonight if you write a 3 page document acknowledging that men are responsible for the extinction of those lovely Vegetarian Stegosaurus. Or the task of going down on somebody who doesn’t use deodorant due to its effect on the Ozone and believes their vaginal topiary must resemble the rain forests that they love so much.

The Wimmin in question are planning a protest outside Scotland Yard to protest “state endorsed sexual manipulation” - I believe “It takes two to Tango” should pretty much cover the Police response. Can you imagine the response if they’d sent female plod to shag all the environmentalist blokes – they’d be saying that it’s good to see their tax dollars being spent on such a worthy cause.

Now I don’t want you to think I’m bagging environmentalists. Well I am, but only because the cops had to penetrate (Fnar Fnar) their organisation. I imagine it would be equally unpleasant having to put up with Right Wing Survivalists, Animal Rights, Class War, Militant Cyclists or the Swindon Bird Spotters Club. The problem is that activists simply cannot shut the fuck up about their pet issue – E.V.E.R. They go on and on about it from the day they caught their “Religion” to the day that the icy grasp of death finishes their 48 year long monologue. And that just isn’t sexy unless you entirely match their political mindset – and I would assume that most undercover cops don’t get the horn over releasing furry rats into the countryside from the local mink farm.

Given a choice of a Mormon or an Amnesty International worker to sit next to on a 20 hour flight excluding stopovers I would be plumping for the “So how the hell did he manage to loose solid gold discs delivered straight to him from God” any day of the week. At least Born Again religious people are willing to talk about sports, if only to discuss how God is a huge Detroit Pistons fan. The Eco-Weenies would be banging on about how the hard-court isn’t made from sustainable sources and the basket balls don’t bio degrade.


Anonymous said...

Amen brotha.

Anonymous said...


Thank you for that! Now time to start the day.

Anonymous said...

The Harpies are sure turned up to 11 at the mo, what with the hyper-hysteria from this and the sky footy blokes being.. well... blokes....

Dick Puddlecote said...

Laugh out loud funny, Dude, espesh the topiary bit. :)

All true enough, too. Give the guys a medal.

Anonymous said...

Do you know that there's an undertone to this writing that I can't put my finger on. I think it's about snobbishness and mean spiritedness. Just a whiff don't you know, but I suspect that you're not a good person.

Sometimes you talk sense, but still I feel uneasy.

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