Thursday, 3 February 2011

Hot Beverages

I’m going to channel my inner Dennis Leary and have a moan up about Coffee today. The Dorris in front of me ordered a “Skinny Extra Hot extra Wet 2 pump Hazelnut Macchiato with the lid separate”. What the Fucking Fuckety Fuck are you on about love, "extra wet" - its a liquid, how can it get any wetter? Now normally I’ll defend the Americans, but the Land of the free* is responsible for this abomination. What happened to “Black Coffee no sugar please”, or even better the British Army Expressions “Coffee Whoopi” (Black None/Nun), “Coffee Julie” (White None/Nun) or Coffee NATO (White Two). Short, Sharp, No fucking around.

Flavoured Coffee is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. They used to make Coffee out of Nuts during the Second World War. It was called Ersatz, made of Acorns, and drunk by Nazis. The mere fact that you put a cup of this to your lips means that you are in solidarity with these evil fiends with a penchant for leather shorts and industrialised murder. As Mr Leary says…“Are you going to tell me that Juan Valdez down in Bogata right now fielding a field full of maple nuts??? I don’t fucking think so! In fact, I’m willing to bet my left maple nut that he’s NOT!”.

I will of course expand this to Tea as well. There are four types of Tea in the World. English Breakfast for a civilised cup, Irish Breakfast which is the Tea version of one of Irelands most famous exports – Semtex-H - which gives you that jolt to wake you up in the morning. The other acceptable Tea is Green Tea for Chinese people, and only Chinese people you tofu eating wanker, whom have the excuse of not having a Fortnum’s available; and tea flavoured so it doesn’t taste like tea which is drunk by morons. Want your tea to taste like flowers and freshly mown hay – tip the contents of your Flymo into a mug and add hot water. Then you don’t have to pay £2.80 to Starbucks for the privilege.

My ultimate hate though is this so called “Tea”. Throughout my travels round 35% of the world’s nations I have been stalked by a minor member of the Aristocracy called Earl Grey, a tea flavoured with Chanel No5. A vile disgusting concoction that is drunk by foreigners in the belief that this is what their social betters drink. Through their ignorance of civilisation on a par with those chaps painted Orange that the Brazilians keep overflying, they actually believe that a cup of this heinous brew is nothing but a pleasant offering. Quite frankly they might as well remove their penis from their undergarments, urinate in the bone china, and then trump it all by skiffing the rim of the Royal Doulton before handing it to you.

Oh, and woman at the Coffee shop. Your make up made you look like a fucking Raccoon love.

* Does not include Smokers



9 comments:

David Jones said...

Brilliant!

SSH said...

Ha, the advert attached to this in Google Reader was for Japanese Green Tea...

PJH said...

"...with the lid separate.

Er - you wot luv?

Dominic Allkins said...

Very good... not a tea drinker so couldn't comment on that, but the coffee bit was excellent and so true

Anonymous said...

Okay we accept the blame for the flavored coffee craze, or perhaps I should pin it on those liberals from Washington state :)

However, I have never heard of "extra wet" when ordering coffee or tea. What does that even mean?

Travelgall said...

I believe it has something to do with the amount of foam in your coffee. There is an acceptable time and place for foam, and that is when a jet engine or electrical item is on fire, or at a student party where there is a foam machine and women wearing Bikinis.

cuffleyburgers said...

Nothing like a cup of tetleys of a morning with bacon and scrambled egg on toast

Charles said...

You are being a little harsh on Irish Breakfast aren't you?

When I was a kid, a pot with two teaspoons of Irish Breakfast and Orange Pekoe was always particularly refreshing mid afternoon...

That said Lapsang Souchang has something going for it... there is nothing like the taste of drinking tea from an ash tray

Anonymous said...

Do not blame the whole Starbucks thing on the US. You can blame it on Washington state. Which is a hippy infested, euro worshipping land of RAV4's, Priuses and organic espresso. In the New England most of us go to Dunkin' Donuts or Tim Horton's.

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