Thursday, 5 February 2015

On that One, last, Insurmountable Inequality Between the Sexes.

If the Pompeii Graffiti and Punternet agree, the price of a shag with a lady of negotiable virtue has remained about a working man's daily wage for at least 2,000 years. With this in mind, let's not try to pretend human nature has changed all that much. We are still the same upright Ape that wandered out of African savannah 100,000 years ago. And as such, modern life is not what we evolved for. It's stressful enough without trying to alter what we are and what we find attractive in the opposite sex. And with Internet dating, those of us with an anthropological bent have been given an enormous amount of data to see what people actually want. It isn't usually what they say they want, or what society pressures us to want.


Slavica totally married Bernie for 24 years because of his looks and famous charm.

Let's think about human mating as a transaction, because it is. Men trade intimacy for sex, and women trade sex for intimacy. And then there's the whole bio-mechanics of seeking a fertile mate. Females seek a provider, and males seek a fertile and healthy woman to maximise their mutual chances of offspring being successful. And then there's the cost of Gametes: men will seek to spread their seed (cheat), while women face an incentive to get impregnated by a "better" mate should their provider be a bit unsatisfactory (cuckold). And the reason paternity isn't routinely tested is often alleged to be because society couldn't cope with the result.

We are not evolved to be monogamous, as there is significant sexual dimorphism. The hidden ovulation and permanent receptiveness of the human female is extraordinarily unusual.

We are a highly sexual animal. Yet both genders seem pathologically incapable understanding the simple fact that men and women want different things of each other. Any attempt to generalise about this invites ridicule. But, physically, broadly, women desire a man taller than they are. This is why so many women, if they put anything in their Tinder profiles at all, it's their height, to male bemusement. Men simply are not interested in how tall a woman is. And men, displaying their abdominal muscles look faintly ridiculous. Physically most of what a man wants in a woman can be described as 'not fat' and they're assuming women desire the same in men. Women desire a high status man (a man who can make people laugh is almost always in control of the room). Men desire youth, beauty, health and a caring nature.

I remember being asked recently by the friend of a lovely-looking girl who was thinking of breaking up with her nightclub bouncer boyfriend "are you an earner?". I was shocked. Essentially it's the female equivalent of going up to a woman and saying "show me your tits". But it's those unused to hiding their base desires who most often reveal what is in the human id.

The female lawyer, saying "I'm strong and successful, why don't men find me attractive?" is making exactly the same mistake as the sad-act sending out pictures of his penis to women on the internet from his Parent's basement and being confused by the responses. They're both guilty of projection. I desire this of men/women, so they must desire this of me.

Women want a man they can admire. Men, broadly do not want to be competing with their other half and would rather be supported by someone they can cherish. Given this - it's not a mis-match, is it? - complementary nature of desires, it's not surprising that fewer women, having found their higher-status man and persuaded him to commit, give up on the rat-race. After all, what's in it for them? Most women, in my experience do want to settle down, raise their children more than they want to become a partner in the law firm. And the man, to keep up his end of the bargain, will work his fingers to the bone for the rest of his life to provide for his wife and kids.

And this act of providing for a family provides the same deep sense of satisfaction to a man as motherhood does to a woman.

Women suitably qualified, often leave their professions, for long periods of time to raise children. And so the women who're qualified don't end up putting themselves forward for professorships or indulge in the savage politicking necessary to get to the top of a corporate pole. They are, like my mother, quite happily looking after people they love. And many such women, of enormous wit, intellect and brilliance take offence at the idea that this is a waste of their talents. The lack of female CEOs is certainly partly down to the choices many women make to not bother with the corporate game. So long as there is no discrimination against those women who DO choose to climb the pole, I fail to see why this is a problem.

There are costs to equality and women's emancipation. At the other end of the social spectrum, with the welfare state providing for the women and children at least as well as men, the men become utterly worthless to their womenfolk, completely disposable sex-objects, valuable only for fertility. Which is why there is so much violence on the sink estates. Big muscles on the nightclub doorman give him status in a world where men, without economic or social pull, have little else but psychological and physical abuse to keep 'their' women in orbit.

Men who suddenly find themselves unable to provide for their women through unemployment are often quickly and efficiently ditched, whereas women's relationships often survive unemployment. A man supports a woman, whereas a man isn't "supported" by a woman, he "lives off her". Society judges. Unemployment is a leading cause of male suicide. As is Divorce. To a married man, unemployment is therefore a much, much greater threat than it is to a married woman as it opens up a yawning chasm of social worthlessness. There are men who'd happily be taken on for the ride as a supporting player to a successful woman, but such a woman would find him revolting. You can send your much more successful wife off to work while you change the nappies, but she'd probably end up shagging the boss of a bigger firm. And when the divorce comes, she's off, and he's.... already been emasculated, has a gap in his CV and is worth little to employers or eligible women. This is why female breadwinner, male childcare families are rare and unstable and most female breadwinner families are single-parent.

So, the psychological, social and sexual rewards to men are greater for an equal degree of professional success, and the punishment for failure is far, far more severe. Is it any wonder men work longer hours, will take the shitty jobs with anti-social hours, and don't prioritise family time and flexibility? And these incentives are innate to us. They are not social constructs. Women like wealth and status like men like a nice high, firm, round bosom.

"So Debbie McGee, what attracted you to Millionaire Paul Daniels?"

Measuring equality in society by the number of female MPs or FTSE100 CEOs is just stupid, because the cost, effort and time invested in becoming a successful politician/architect/CEO/Formula 1 impresario pays off  for men in the only currency I can find which has never depreciated: access to a desirable mate. But it doesn't pay off for women in that currency, all that much. (Both Dennis Thatcher and Joachim Sauer were already successful when they met Margaret Roberts and Angela Merkel). Men are defined by their social status, for which earning power is a good proxy. Short, odd-looking rich men like Bernie Ecclestone and Paul Daniels do have their pick of attractive women, in a way Angela Merkel doesn't have muscular hunks dripping off her arm (instead, a hugely respected research physicist). Wealthy, successful female lawyers who tell you they paid for their own BMW, thank you very much, are often single. Wealth and power is irrelevant to female attractiveness to men. Wealth and professional success enhances (is...?) male attractiveness to women.

Rich professional, single women like to think that men are intimidated by strong women. I think that's a comforting myth spun by women whose biological clocks are ticking, but who haven't worked out what it is men want. And old, short, odd-looking rich men like to think it's their charm and wit, rather than their money and power, that's attractive to the leggy amazon they're escorting. Yeah.

And so, in the currency that matters, the one that ultimately drives us, access to a desirable mate, wealth helps men, but not women, achieve what they want. That which women can leverage to secure that high-status man is a wasting asset, drifting away while they're chasing the career. Women can get through the glass ceiling, if they're prepared to risk celibacy and loneliness with the successful women who have it all dangled as a tempting carrot, which is unlikely to ever be universal. Men do not face that trade-off, but they do face a great deal more pressure to succeed. Most people get this intuitively. That, not discrimination, seems to be the main reason a FTSE100 boardroom is a sausage-fest.

Please note, if you're minded to comment, that I don't believe this is as it SHOULD be, but how it IS. And I don't imagine there's a great deal that can be done about it. We are wired up how we're wired up, and that's that.

The author is currently single.



6 comments:

carol42 said...

I do know one exception to your general rule. My friend's son who is tiler married a very high flying woman. She took a few years off to have their children then returned to her career while he stayed home to raise them. Kids now teenagers and he is back working, it seems to have worked for them. She is often abroad during the week, and says she loves her job and it is only due to him that she has been able to pursue it to a high level as she knew her children were properly cared for. Generally though I agree with your post.

Anonymous said...

Carol

The key is in her recognition that she was (mentally, emotionally and logistically) dependent on him. Just not dependent for money and that money was not the basis of their relationship.

In my circles (where there are 2 examples of similar set ups), that recognition is not there.

That is when the problems start as the woman learns to 'despise' the man for his failing and the valuation of what he brings to the table.

It's tough on my mates and they are going to fall apart.

TonyF said...

Excellent article! Not that many appreciate on a day to day basis the differences between male and female desires or needs.

Anonymous said...

Just as an aside, you're not getting much response because this blog is largely inactive.

What you write is compelling and I have to reply, just so you persevere with putting stuff out there, now and again.

I do think that you lay the emphasis on the differences between men and women, and thus reached a conclusion that was inevitable.

It's a bit of a cop out because it allows you to appear reasonable, logical, and calm, whilst encouraging gentle discussion that doesn't mess with the ground rules.

In avoiding the ridicule that goes with those who regard women as inferior and want them back in the kitchen, looking after the family, not caring about career, because they are content to look after everyone that they love, and be completely fulfilled. I do think that you are describing the world that you would like to have back.

The problem is, of course, that in the days that one wage was sufficient, and women felt happy to stay at home and look after the children, and they had some company and support, it all worked so well.

You often read men who go on about how they invented everything, defended everything, built our world and did every notable thing, ever. Of course, it's relatively recently that women were educated and allowed opportunity. Let's wait and see what happens because I don't believe that inventiveness is a male preserve.

What I do believe, is that the system that kept women in the home worked very well. The children flourished. and everything went along smoothly.

Now that most households need two earners, or a benefit cheque the world has changed. There are so many angry men out there screaming about horrible women who want it all. No, women want what men have always taken for granted, but there is no doubt that it's not good for the children.

That is one hell of a problem.



Anonymous said...

Sounds like you're going through a particularly torrid time.

Anonymous said...

Some truth in this - as far as I know, joblessness is a huge turn off for women, generally speaking.

Probably explains the younger women older men matchups.

Human nature is a bitch, eh?

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