Wednesday, 29 July 2015

How to make Him/Her Fall in Love With You

US Glamour magazine has found itself under fire from the perma-outraged social justice warriors of Twitter and facebook for its guide to women who want to make a man fall in love with them. Outraged, single women have been sharing this list with the words "Wow! I can't even...". The scale of the outrage is directly proportional to how long they've been single.

Women, who think men want "strong, independent" women will probably stay single, because they're guilty of projecting. "I want a strong, independent man" the thinking goes, "so he must want a strong, independent woman". We mostly want a kind, stable, supportive woman. We like strength and independence, but they're not first on the list as they are on a woman's list for her ideal man. A thought developed more here.

Disappointingly, glamour has taken it down, which is a shame, because it's actually a pretty good list. Far from being a "parody of a 1950s housewife", If you do these 13 things it means you're thinking about what your man wants, not, as women are encouraged these days, to think about what you've been brainwashed into thinking men should want. No-one's suggesting this  list should form a daily routine, but that you should try to think about the list from time to time, and surprise your other half. And when you think about it, you could write a list aimed at men, and it really wouldn't look all that different.

The list is as follows:

1. Stocking the Fridge with his favourite drinks. Bonus points: Bring him back to his fraternity days by handing him a drink as he steps out the shower.
Honestly, This works for ladies too. Bringing a glass of prosecco as she steps out the shower isn't going to piss her off on a Sunday morning, is it?
2. Make him a snack after sex. Simple It doesn't have to be a gourmet meal: Grilled cheese or milk and cookies will do.
Women don't get hungry and sleepy after sex in my experience. I guess chaps, aftercare: cuddle her until your arm goes dead and long after you're bored. Don't check your twitter feed while doing so. No, nor watch telly. Think about whatever you want while you're stroking her back, but when she asks say, "how in love I am" or something, not "whether Hamilton's disastrous performance at the Hungaroring means he's over-rated" or whatever it is you're actually thinking about. That would piss her off.
3. E-mailing him the online gossip about his favourite TV show. You don't have to have a BFF at HBO, just share applicable links from your twitter feed and pat yourself on the back.
It's called taking an interest in the other person's interests, and works for chaps too.
4. Bragging about him to your friends and family, the stranger on the street corner, whomever. Proclamations of pride will make his chest puff out and his heart swell.
Exactly the same for women. I mean really, what's to be offended about here? If you're going to fall for someone, you'll be proud of them, and want to show them off to people important to you.
5. Answering the door in a neglige, or better yet, naked.
Yes. We chaps do like this. A LOT. Don't you ladies like to be swept off your feet as soon as you walk through the door, and carried off to the bedroom by your chap too?
6. Be open to what he wants to try, in and out of the bedroom. An open mind is attractive whatever your playground.
Yes. Same goes for chaps: if (s)he wants to try public sex, sky-diving or a cookery course, even if it's not your thing, try to enjoy it together. I don't think my girlfriend is that into cycling. But she's agreed to come on a 3-day battlefield tour of the Normandy beaches by bicycle with me.
7. Let him solve your petty work problems. Many men don't do gossip, but they do like to fix things.
This is the best piece of advice in the list. Nothing makes a man feel better about himself than solving a problem for you. The flip side is Chaps! Shut the fuck up and just listen to her occasionally. She doesn't actually want a solution; she want you to listen, agree and support.
8. Spitting out sports stats for his favourite team. Showing an interest in his favourite players will earn you points on and off the field.
Taking an interest in your other half's interests is sexist is it?
9. Making a big deal out of his favourite meal. Does he like hotdogs cut up into his boxed mac n' cheese? Serve it on a silver platter, and see him smile.

That sounds disgusting, but chaps! Bring her comfort food on a silver platter, with an ironic smirk. Really, doing thoughtful things for your other half will certainly not hurt the relationship, will it.
10. Treating his friends as well as you treat your own. If you win their affection, you'll win his heart.
This would probably appear unaltered in an equivalent list for men. Nothing sexist to see here. Move along.
11. Sitting side by side while he vegs out to TV. It may not feel like quality time to you, but it's the best time to him.
Yes, ladies. Shut up from time to time. We'll marry the one who doesn't need to fill every second with ceaseless prattle. The chaps list in this spot would probably say something like 'turn the TV off and talk from time to time. It'll make her feel special'.
12. Give him a massage. Happy ending optional. In fact a foot-rub works just fine.
Women don't like a massage? Honestly "give her a massage" is on every "how to make her fall in love with you" list from FHM/GQ/Loaded/Nuts. Nothing sexist to see here. Move along.
13. Take him back to third grade with a gentle tease over how you'll dominate him on the basketball court, to the weird way he just styled his hair.
Playfulness and teasing are important in relationships. You need to be friends as well as lovers and friends tease one another. It shows you're equals.

The response to this list just shows how far from reality perma-outraged, petty-minded internet feminism is. The fact is men and women are, on average, different, and like different things, and this seems to offend them. Men like movies about explosions, whereas women like movies about people crying over relationships. Women like drama, men like sport. Men like great slabs of meat, women like salads, for some reason. That's not to say men cannot like a watching a TV drama about relationships, while eating a salad; but women should remember that's not what most men would choose, were they still a bachelor. And Vice Versa.

Stepping outside your preferences, and into those of your other half, is what makes a relationship work, for men and women. That perma-outraged internet feminists think men's preferences should be the same as women's, which shows hubris, arrogance and a staggering lack of self-awareness. But as this will lead them into a life of celibate cat-wrangling, it's their loss not ours. Every feminist going on about how "strong" and "independent" she is, is one fewer to compete with for ladies who're prepared to empathise with the other Gender.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.



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